His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
