3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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