So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is her dick bigger than yours?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
