got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
