planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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