I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
