We're like a lot better than the average bears
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
