this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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