He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my shit smells like andre
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
