rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
