Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
