just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
