I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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