I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sobbing to NWA
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
