I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
