Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
