maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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