with your own penis?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
