you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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