Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
