Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
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Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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