Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
