What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
