3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The Olympian is in my bed
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
