he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
