The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
