I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
