Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
