Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
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after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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