I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
