HIV tests are more positive than that guy
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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