So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
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Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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