his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
