do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
