This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
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So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
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Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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