Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize