I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
