Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
