a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
farters have to be the big spoon...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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