My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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