I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I need a burrito and a hug.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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