The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
