he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
