the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
