I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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