I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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