You're my little dorito
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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