So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i came on her dog
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
