I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
time to smoke my breakfast
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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