I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
