my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
