There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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