Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
