I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
