i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
