it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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