true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
